Deanna Repose Oaks

Poetically Captured Moments From the Heart

writer's block

I’m Trying…

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There is a bit of pressure I put upon myself to make this blog entertaining, enlightening, and readable. This pressure has been boiling under my skin for the past two weeks, because my bandwidth for engagement has been eaten up by editing and social media posts to the point that according to my writing buddy demanded a “factory reset”.

Now, here I sit with a bit less pressure trying to find something that will entertain the people who read my blog, but I don’t know what would entertain, as I don’t know who reads my blog. I only have these vague stats that thiry users viewed my home page. Who are you? What stories interest you? Can you throw me a bone so I can write something that will entertain you?

And yes, I’m still working on that story that I found in the bottom of my purse…

Journal #15

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Dammit all to hell!!

I wrote this on September 2nd, and am just now realizing I didn’t schedule it to post. Then, I missed October’s journal post… I guess I’ve been sitting here longer than usual…

I sit here in front of my keyboard with all these crazy ideas I think will work. I start working through the ideas, only to doubt myself and stop working. Over and over and over again. I don’t know why I get stuck like this. And then I do.

I am not an expert. I don’t even feel like I am a “well-written” author. Or is it a “good” writer? I don’t know. Both ways to describe it sound funny to me – which one is right? Or are they both wrong? Why am I writing this again? Oh, yeah. Because this type of double-thinking about what I am doing and why I am doing it plagues me to the point of debilitation.

I am not an expert so why would anyone want to read a word I write? Because the words I write are in the correct order? That can’t be right. There isn’t a reason I can think up, so I give up or clam up or both.

I want to think there are others out there like me, writers who just can’t get themselves out fo the hole they dig themselves into. But, as my dad always said, “Want in one hand, crap in another, see which one fills up faster.” I don’t seek out other writers to find out if they feel the same. I don’t even Google it. I just want to know, and because I don’t, I walk away.

Then, after I am far enough away from it, I beat myself up for not seeing my ideas through, I pick up where I left off and the cycle begins over again. It has been like this with everything except my poetry blog (for every month except July) for the past two years. But, lately, I am feeling like such a failure because my ideas are paying off for other people, but I can’t make it happen for me.

Journal Entry #6

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Sitting here, either beating myself up because I am not writing or watching Hallmark movies or both, depending on the night. Tonight’s movie sent the message LOUD and clear that I need to get on the sled that keeps circling the block. I need to start doing what I love to do (what I am COMPELLED to do) and stop worrying about what other people will think of how I am doing it or what I have done. I read plenty of books that are not Pulitzer Prize winners or Manbooker contenders, so I am sure there are people who will read the drivel that I write as well. (Yes, I am currently beating myself up!) I started this blog to ensure that I kept writing monthly, but my posts have absolutely NO VALUE to anyone. I am just blathering on about how I can’t write or I am in a funk of not writing. Ha! I know that other writers go through this…

My goal for 2019 is to continue posting twice a month on this blog and finish at least 1 of the 2 books that I am working on. Let’s see if I can meet (or exceed?) this goal by the end of next year! Until next month!