Dammit all to hell!!
I wrote this on September 2nd, and am just now realizing I didn’t schedule it to post. Then, I missed October’s journal post… I guess I’ve been sitting here longer than usual…
I sit here in front of my keyboard with all these crazy ideas I think will work. I start working through the ideas, only to doubt myself and stop working. Over and over and over again. I don’t know why I get stuck like this. And then I do.
I am not an expert. I don’t even feel like I am a “well-written” author. Or is it a “good” writer? I don’t know. Both ways to describe it sound funny to me – which one is right? Or are they both wrong? Why am I writing this again? Oh, yeah. Because this type of double-thinking about what I am doing and why I am doing it plagues me to the point of debilitation.
I am not an expert so why would anyone want to read a word I write? Because the words I write are in the correct order? That can’t be right. There isn’t a reason I can think up, so I give up or clam up or both.
I want to think there are others out there like me, writers who just can’t get themselves out fo the hole they dig themselves into. But, as my dad always said, “Want in one hand, crap in another, see which one fills up faster.” I don’t seek out other writers to find out if they feel the same. I don’t even Google it. I just want to know, and because I don’t, I walk away.
Then, after I am far enough away from it, I beat myself up for not seeing my ideas through, I pick up where I left off and the cycle begins over again. It has been like this with everything except my poetry blog (for every month except July) for the past two years. But, lately, I am feeling like such a failure because my ideas are paying off for other people, but I can’t make it happen for me.