I want to be humble and kind. I want to help others. So, I lie to myself about how much I know. I don’t let myself think I know more than nothing, because when I think I know something, I become condescending and arrogant.
Being condescending and arrogant is not conducive to helping others or being humble and kind. Lying seems to be the lesser of the evils in this case, even though I can’t stand liars. The duplicity in this keeps my guilt in place so my honesty with others becomes less brutal.
Even though I do my best, I am not always on my game. I use this loop that begins with knowing nothing to keep me in check. Sometimes the loop fails and arrogance shows its face first. Sometimes I notice the arrogance and remind myself “Hey, you know nothing, remember?” Sometimes I don’t notice and become condescending. That is usually when I lose friends, fast.
I am beginning to wonder if lying to myself, causing this guilt, is really the best way to keep friends, though. Can I keep friends if I am arrogant and condescending? I see others do it, but I have always been afraid to try…